"Parlez vous Hambone?"

by: J. Montgomery Spencer

"... And now, commentary from Andy Rooney."

I was born in America. Or at least that’s what I’m told. Lately I can’t be sure of that. It seems every time I open a newspaper, turn on the radio, or read a telegraph, I have to question where I am. Mind you, this is not the usual confusion associated with my dementia. This particular pell-mell has to do with the fact that everywhere you look, you're bombarded by a force that, unbeknownst to you or your family members, is destroying the American way of life at it’s very roots.
I’m of course talking about French words. They’re everywhere! On the sides of busses, on perfume bottles, in the grocery store, and even in so called American literature. Whatever happened to good old fashioned English? Have we become a society that no longer needs English words?
Now I know English isn’t legally the official language of America, but for all intents and purposes it is. Yet people still go around strewing French words across the country, like they do their ninety-nine cent double cheeseburgers or their diet soda pop in aluminum canisters. Look, if you want to use French words, here’s bus fare to Quebec. Go talk French with someone who doesn’t mind living in a second class country.
Now some point out that there are certain French words that have no English equivalent. That’s just fine, and it's a simple problem to solve. Let’s make some English words translate to the French ones that yet have no counterpart. Heck, we could even use English words that no longer dominate the modern dialect.
One word that comes to mind is "hambone." Let's face it, people don't throw around hambone like they used to. I remember back in my youth, I would go out to the beach, and people would say "hambone" all the time. They would come up to me and say, "Hey hambone." Or "Nice tattoo there hambone." Or ask, "Andrew, what possesses a man to tattoo hambone across his chest?"
I like Hambone. Hambone is a great word to use because it’s something a warrior man, like myself, would be proud to have permanently affixed to his body. I think Hambone would be the final solution to the French words confusion that is plaguing our nation. Then the rest of us concerned citizens can go back to worrying about other problems in the world of equal consequence.
So this Christmas, maybe for the wife, I’ll pick up a bottle of Channel Number Five eau du Hambone.
I’m Andy Rooney, good-day.