"Wisdom, or Proof of the Contrary"

J. Montgomery Spencer makes his glib mark on society

Whenever I'm watching PBS and they show some bushman with no pants on, I have to laugh. Then when I realize that I'm not wearing any pants, I break into a raucous laughter. And I think that's what really bothers the rest of the people in Circuit City.

If dinosaurs ever came back, I don't think they could get used to our complex tax system.

Sometimes I wonder about Heaven and Hell. I imagine that Heaven is like church for eternity. And then I think how much better Hell sounds.

If I ever got the chance to kill the president, I'd do it. Because hey, that's a story to tell the grand-kids.

The best advice my father ever gave me was when he said, "Get the hell out of here before I break your legs!"

I am against animal cruelty of any kind, for all animals. With only the exception of my neighbor's dogs. Cause the next time they're in my yard, I'm gona kill'em.

There is always a reaction of morbid disgust when someone is found dead, and their cat has begun to eat them. I don't understand this. When I die, I expect that my cat will eat me. It's only fair, seeing how many cats I've eaten.

I don't think my boss should have fired me for dressing like Adolf Hitler on Halloween. I mean she was only half Jewish.

Do you know what the best thing about having a twin brother is? Taking each other's paternity tests. Bro, you're a lifesaver.

It seems to be harder and harder these days for a guy to just kick back and relax, without waking up in jail.

Because my family was often called a bunch of inbred red necks, I don't think it's right to judge other people. Especially that faggot neighbor of mine. "Go suck a cock fancy lad!"

I think "Colour My World" should be called "Rock My World", cause it does.

To the frontiersmen who founded this area, it's greatest aspect was the ability to pee anywhere.

I think there is a point in every relationship when you suspect that your partner is a space alien.