My Theology

In the beginning God created man is His own image. He formed man from the dust of the ground, and he would be called Adam. God then slipped Adam a mickey and placed him in a bathtub of ice. When Adam woke, he was missing a rib. From this rib woman had been created, and she would be called Eve. Before God left them in the Garden of Eden, he turned around in classic Colombo fashion and said, "Just one more thing...", then forbade the two from eating of the Tree of Knowledge.

One day a friendly talking serpent came to Eve with a story of a terribly sick relative in Gary, IN. He said how he couldn’t travel with this fruit he was carrying, and asked Eve if she would keep it for him. Eve, not knowing better, took the fruit from the charming snake with the gold tooth. The serpent slithered off into the brush towards Gary, IN., and Eve went about doing whatever it was she did back then.

Later that night God came to the Garden of Eden. He came to the house of His creations, knocked three times, waited fifteen seconds, then broke down the door. God saw that Eve was holding, and became the vengeful God that we’ve all read about. God declared that possession was nine tenths of the law, and that the Garden of Eden would be seized and sold at public auction.

Then the eyes of both were opened. Eve saw that the small of her back was naked of ink, and she saw how she wasn’t doing anything to accentuate her cleavage. Adam realized that he had a major case of batwing. God said as punishment that woman must have a poor sense of self image, and forever would she push her tits together and do stupid things with her hair. He then doomed all men to a life of sacular adjustment.

They were forced to follow the serpent who had deceived them (actually just Eve) to Gary, IN., where they would start a family. They had two sons, Cain and Abel. In a fit of jealousy, Cain slew Abel; thus Gary, IN. became the murder capitol of the world.

With the loss of their son Abel, and with Cain being on the lamb, Adam and Eve became to quarrel. As Adam was made of dust, he would leave a trail of dust, dirt, and power tools that Eve would be expected to clean up after. When Eve protested, Adam would slaughter an animal and cook the creature’s ribs over an open fire. So it goes that man would continue to scatter behind him a trail of dust, dirt, and power tools; woman would also neglect to clean what she believe to be "not her mess" in perpetuity. Today, power tools can be found just lying there in all corners of the globe, and man has nearly perfected the art of bar-be-queing ribs.